Cinema Diary

The glamorous world of the movies – not! June 7, 2008

As a catch-up, here are some of the stories that made me smile this year.

One afternoon, a very fussy-looking woman was complaining at the Box Office. Mrs SWL went over to see what the fuss was about. The woman was standing with a younger lady who looked a bit crestfallen and was holding a coat around her middle. It turned out, the fussy-looking woman was the ‘carer’ of the other woman who had had a little ‘accident’ in the auditorium. Basically, she had wet herself. Quite copiously too, as the staff later discovered. A veritable stream had cascaded down the aisles for other customers to splash through. Quite a feat when you consider how absorbent cinema seats can be. That wasn’t what the fussy-looking one was complaining about. She was demanding some clothes from Lost Property for her charge. It took some explaining for my wife to convince her that the clothes in Lost Property belonged to customers and could not be handed out by the cinema. Eventually she conceded the point but, obviously not wanting to leave without achieving some kind of victory, she then pressed for a refund as she had missed the last 15 minutes of the film.

Many people ask for refunds, some for the strangest of reasons. One woman marched up to Box Office after a film and demanded her money back. It seems her small child had cried through the last 30 minutes of the film and she hadn’t heard a word. The filthy looks the hundreds of customers were giving her as they filed out helped decide the level of sympathy she received.

During one particularly lengthy film, a guy left the screen to answer a call of nature, only to find himself caught by an Andrex moment in the cubicle. Business done, he reached for the loo roll. But there was none. He called out, but no-one else was in the toilets and he was stuck. He tried phoning his girlfriend who was still watching the film, but her mobile was turned off. He had to remain in the throne room for nearly an hour until the film ended and she switched her phone on. Obviously not the sensitive type, he still asked for a refund.

Some reasons given for a refund are more mundane. You would be amazed how many people ask for their money back because they didn’t like the film.

People often get their complaints in early. Mrs SWL noticed a man and a teenager creating a fuss at Box Office. It turned out the boy was 14 and the chap wanted to take him in to see a ‘15’ film. Like many parents, he seemed to think it was his responsibility what films the lad could see. Unfortunately the law says differently. At the mention of the law, this chap’s demeanour changed. “Look, I hate to do this, but …” He then pulled out his Warrant Card. Without missing a beat, Mrs SWL noted down his number. Thanking him for the card she told him that he should know better and, unless he left immediately, he would be meeting some of his colleagues very soon. The next morning she phoned his station and spoke to a most interested Inspector.

As you might expect, kids present a special challenge for cinema staff. Absenteeism is at it’s height during school holidays. And who can blame them? This Easter was a veritable puke-fest. Young kids stuff themselves with chocolate Easter eggs then load up on popcorn, nachos, hot dogs and a small lake of fizzy drinks. Mixed together inside a kiddy who is jumping excitedly around at the goings-on on the screen, it’s almost inevitable that the results are so explosive. Added to this is the policy that only properly-trained staff can handle Body Fluid Situations. At her cinema, it falls upon the managers and supervisors to do the deed.

Training and Health & Safety are big issues with such a large organisation. For nearly a month, no bulbs could be changed in the cinema as the only ladder-trained member of staff left. How many cinema employees does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to climb the ladder, (having had the necessary days training), one to hold the ladder and one to pass up the bulb. When Mrs SWL finally managed to send one chap off to Glasgow to do the training and become a certificated bulb-changer, it was a huge relief. Upon his return, two staff were waiting with a box of bulbs and the ladder. In vain, it transpired. New rules now mean that bulbs can only be changed by three staff, one of whom has received the proper training and who is wearing the appropriate safety boots. Unfortunately, this chap had size 14 feet and the Glasgow office were placing a special order for the right size. So the cinema went another month without the bulbs being changed. Two days after the boots arrived, the chap handed in his notice. He had a better job offer elsewhere. One that doesn’t involve climbing ladders I presume.

Some policies are bizarre, if well-meaning. If a woman is struggling with the heavy auditorium doors whilst laden with fizzy drinks, popcorn & the like, staff are encouraged to help by holding the door open. But if the woman is disabled, staff are forbidden to help her. That would be discriminatory you see.